Why You Need a Bridesguard

There you are, on your wedding day, getting your hurrs and face all dolled up. You're sippin' on some bubbly with your fine ladies (and gents?) when Aunt Mildred comes storming in and assaults you with an endless barrage of questions:
"Do you have your something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue?"
"Uncle Milty needs to sit close to the back so he can go to the bathroom when needed. You saved a spot for him, right?"
"Are the favors all set up?"
"Is the wedding cake here yet?"
"How aaaarrreeee you?"
"Are you nervous?"
"Have you written your vows?"
"Is that REALLY what the bridesmaids are wearing?"
And so on. All of a sudden, all the pre-wedding serenity is wiped out and an endless storm of nerves take over. You need to get that woman outta your face so you can go back to being the cool, collected, 'bout-to-be-hitched lady you are. But you can't. She's just made you a nervous wreck and you're in the middle of getting eyeliner all 'round them baby blues.
ENTER: Your Bridesguard. This person, designated beforehand (bridesmaid, maid of honor, badass cousin who doesn't let anyone boss her around) tells Auntie Mildred it's time to leave so you can finish getting ready, then stands at attention at the entrance to ward off any other constant questioners. She (or he) has your cellphone to field calls and ensures no one can let those pretty little bridal nerves get frazzled.
Give your Bridesguard a pre-determined list of who can and cannot talk to you while you're getting ready. Prepare your Bridesguard to field any questions that may come her way, either with vendors or family. Make sure your Bridesguard is someone nice but strong, vocally, who can command respect and who people will listen to. And make sure you ply your Bridesguard with plenty of compliments/booze/food/dancing partners (if they're on the hunt). They will be saving you oodles of stress on your wedding day, so thank them accordingly.
Your Bridesguard will not only covet your sanity like it's going out of style, but they'll save you from any unwanted stress or anxiety on the day of. The best way to make sure this is done and done right? Give your homedizz your phone at the rehearsal dinner ... or even the bachelorette party (drunk dials to your hubz-to-be? Not an option) and let her take it from there. She'll guard your mental state like it's her job, because it is.
This is an especially great way to honor a friend that is super important and make them feel like a badass. Because who wouldn't want to be in charge of keeping the bride's mental state intact?